It was a new year and I had a new look. This particular year was a big one and I needed to make a good impression.  The year was 1997 and I was entering my freshman year of high school, which meant I wasn’t a kid anymore.  I mean I had lost my virginity that Summer before school started so it wasn’t like I was a kid or anything before I got there.  Anyways, high school was going rock; hotter girls, cooler parties, better drugs.  Wait! Better drugs?!…But I don’t do drugs; do I?! I mean there was that one time a few years back when I was in the same room with my friends’ older brother while he smoked a joint, but I didn’t smoke any.  Come to think of it, I’ve never done any drugs.  So why now are they even crossing my mind.  Why all of a sudden are they a thing and why I am so worried to try them. They’re probably not even that big of a deal.  I’m pretty sure the kids that have tried them and said bad things about them haven’t even had sex yet.  Just a bunch of inexperienced kids making a big deal out of nothing.  Something just occurred to me; why have I been listening to what others say for so long. I am fully capable of making my own decisions; so from here on out, no more listening to others! I’m in charge of me and I’ll be the judge of what I like and don’t like.  All my life, I’ve been listening to people give me advice and tell me what to do. Well no more!  I am in high school damn it and I think I know what’s best for me.  If I want to dress a certain way, I will.  If I want to hang out with that group of friends my parents don’t like, I will.  And, if I want to get high and try drugs, despite what I’ve heard…I will. And I did.

But being the almighty judge trying to control my own destiny in high school did not play out like I had planned. Over the next couple of years, I would go from being the most popular boy in school who enjoyed learning and playing baseball & football for his school to a failing student who spent most of his days in detention.  Getting into trouble was a direct result from not wanting to listen to others, even my teachers and coaches; which would eventually get kicked off the high school baseball team.

I was certain I had it all figured out but it was pretty clear to everyone else, I didn’t know shit. My circle of friends got smaller and smaller; which meant the black hole that I was in got bigger and bigger. I told myself, “I don’t need them, I don’t need anyone.” And behind closed doors, I cried to myself.  I found myself alone each day & night and in more pain than I had ever experienced. I was a victim to myself and was receiving harsh judgment.