When you’re 27 years  old and you own a topless bar that’s making you more money than you know what to do with, your entire life changes and the world as you knew it starts to work for you and not against you.  The words “no, can’t and impossible” don’t apply to you and a sense of being shielded from any harm is always surrounding you.  You feel invincible and accomplished; but most of all, you feel powerful and indestructible.  Men fight over the opportunity to assist you in anything you need in hopes of gaining some of your recognition, wisdom or wealth; while women throw themselves at you desperately willing to do whatever to catch your eye and hopefully steal your heart.  Like Tony Montana said in the movie “Scarface,” “The World Is Yours.”

I didn’t grow up wealthy but I was always the popular guy in school who had lots of friends and lots girlfriends, so I adjusted quickly to my new lifestyle.  It had always felt good to be liked by everyone and receive lots of attention but there was something about this specific time in my life that I really liked.  For the first time in my life I felt respected and even a little feared and I loved it;  I also had a fat income that allowed me to do whatever I wanted and I REALLY enjoyed that.  So, for several years I would travel and spend money irresponsibly; often splurging on friends & family.  I remember feeling like I was doing something good.  I felt like I was giving back and doing good deeds by buying friends, family and girlfriends random gifts and taking them on trips with me.  They praised me for it and made me feel like I was always right.  It was a good feeling and loved every minute of it; I remember thinking: I never want this life to end.

But eventually you realize the words “no, can’t and impossible” apply to everyone except God.  It didn’t matter how much money I had or how much people would idol me; I would find out that sometimes the answer to the things I wanted in life was “no” and that I “can’t” treat others poorly or break laws and get away with it and that no matter how bad I wanted something to change, sometimes that something was “impossible” to go back to and change.  I found out that I wasn’t invincible and there wasn’t a shield protecting me.  Instead I had been lying to myself, convincing myself that I was entitled to these superhuman powers just because I was successful.  I had put myself above everyone really believing the world was mine and without considering anyones feelings, I hurt a lot of people.  And for the first time ever I lost respect in myself and found myself searching for something to numb the shame.